So, if you’re in a tough spot where forgiving someone seems really hard – like if a friend broke your trust, a partner disappointed you, or even if a stranger did something to hurt you – it can be tough to figure out how to forgive them. But don’t worry! I’m here to help you with 10 steps to forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re excusing what someone did or forgetting about it. It’s more like a way to let go of the anger and hurt inside you. It’s about finding peace for yourself, like taking steps toward feeling better and being free from those negative feelings, rather than just trying to make things right in an instant.
So, let’s explore some practical ways to navigate the path to forgiveness.
1. Acknowledge Your Hurt
First, it’s normal to feel hurt. If someone does something that upsets us, it’s okay to feel that way, even if they didn’t mean to hurt us. So, it’s important to recognize and accept those feelings. You might feel angry, sad, or just really unsure about things. Whatever it is, it’s alright to let yourself feel it without being hard on yourself.
One good way to deal with your feelings of being hurt is to take some time alone to think about them. Find a peaceful spot where you can be by yourself, like your bedroom, a quiet place outside, or a comfortable spot in a coffee shop you like. Breathe deeply and pay attention to what you’re feeling.
You might feel better if you write down your feelings in a journal or talk about it with someone you trust, like a friend or family member. Sometimes, expressing your emotions in words can help you understand them better and begin to feel better.
2. Understand the Situation
Understanding the situation doesn’t mean saying it’s okay or making excuses for what happened. It’s about getting a better understanding of why something hurtful occurred. Sometimes, there are reasons behind actions that aren’t immediately obvious.
First, try to imagine what it was like for the other person. Think about what might have been happening in their life back then. Were they feeling stressed? Were they going through tough times? Understanding how they saw things doesn’t mean you have to agree with what they did, but it can give you a new way to look at the situation.
It might be useful to consider what caused the situation. Maybe there was a mix-up or confusion that made things worse. Or there could be bigger problems that need fixing.
If you feel okay with it, you can try talking to the other person. Talking is important for understanding each other, and having an open and honest conversation can help fix any misunderstandings and make things better.
3. Release Resentment
Feeling resentment is like lugging a big bag of rocks on your back. It makes everything tougher. But here’s the thing: being mad at someone doesn’t bother them; it only bothers you. So, it’s best to drop that weight and move on.
It’s normal to feel angry or upset when you’re hurt by someone. Everyone feels emotions like this sometimes, and it’s okay to let yourself feel them without feeling bad about it. You can try screaming into a pillow, hitting a punching bag, or writing down your feelings in a journal (that you don’t actually send to anyone). Doing these things can help you feel better and let go of those feelings.
Think about the situation in a good way instead of feeling upset. Instead of only thinking about the bad feelings, try to see what you can gain from it. Maybe you’ve learned something about what you’re okay with and what you’re not. Or perhaps you’ve realized how important it is to forgive. By finding something meaningful in the tough times, you can stop feeling angry and start moving ahead with a clear goal in mind.
4. Practice Empathy
Empathy means imagining how someone else feels by stepping into their shoes for a while. It’s about understanding and feeling the same emotions as another person, even if you don’t always agree with what they do.
To understand how someone else feels, it’s important to really listen to them. Forget about judging them and focus on what they’re saying. Also, pay attention to how they say it, their body language, and how they’re feeling. This helps you see things from their point of view and why they did what they did.
It’s important to know that empathy doesn’t mean you’re okay with or forgive someone’s actions. You can understand how someone feels without thinking what they did is right. Empathy is just recognizing that we’re all human and can make mistakes.
5. Accept Apologies
When someone hurts you and now they’ve come forward with an apology, it’s a big moment in forgiving them. But figuring out how to react isn’t always simple.
Here are a few things you can do to handle this situation calmly and clearly:
- Give yourself some time to think about the apology. It’s normal to have different feelings—maybe you’re glad they said sorry, but you might also still feel upset. Let yourself feel those emotions without feeling like you have to decide what to do right away.
- Think about whether the apology is sincere. Does the person really feel sorry for what they did, or are they just saying words without meaning them? Watch not only what they say, but also how they act and speak.
A true apology usually comes from feeling genuinely sorry and wanting to fix things.
If you think the apology is real, it’s your decision if you want to forgive the person or not. Forgiving someone is something you choose to do, and there’s no right or wrong way to handle it. Listen to your feelings and do what seems best for you.
Remember, saying “okay” to an apology doesn’t mean you must forget what happened or act like everything is fine. It just means you’re deciding to release any leftover hard feelings and continue with an open mind and heart.
If you’re not ready to accept the apology right now, that’s fine. Maybe you need more time to think about your feelings or to see the other person consistently behave better before forgiving them. Just be truthful with yourself and the other person about how you feel.
6. Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are like the guardrails on a highway. They keep you safe and show you the right way to go. Forgiveness is easier when you set boundaries. Boundaries help protect you from getting hurt again and make a good place for healing.
First, think about what makes you feel safe and respected. You might want some distance from the person who hurt you, or you might need them to communicate clearly and take responsibility for their actions. Whatever it is, be truthful with yourself about what you need and the limits you want to set.
Next, make sure you clearly and confidently tell the other person what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. You can do this by talking to them directly, writing a letter, or just firmly but politely stating your limits. It’s important to understand that setting boundaries isn’t about controlling or punishing someone else. It’s about looking after yourself and making sure you’re treated the way you want to be treated healthily.
Expect the other person to not like or agree with your limits. That’s alright. Stick to what you believe is right for you and make sure you take care of yourself first.
It’s also important to be able to change your limits when necessary. Forgiving someone takes time, and as you heal and learn, your boundaries might change too. Stay open to thinking about what’s best for you, and don’t hesitate to adjust things if you need to.
7. Focus on Self-Healing
Imagine self-healing as taking care of a garden. Just like how a garden needs time, attention, and care to grow well, healing yourself also needs these things. When you’ve been hurt, it’s important to focus on your emotional health and take action to care for your inner self.
A good way to focus on self-healing is by doing things that make you happy and relaxed. This could be spending time outside, doing mindfulness or meditation, or being creative with things like art or music. Find what makes you feel good inside and do more of it.
You might want to talk to people you trust, like friends, family, or a therapist, for support. It can help a lot to share your feelings and experiences with someone who understands and supports you. Just remember, you don’t have to deal with this all by yourself.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion means being gentle and kind to yourself, like giving yourself a comforting hug when you’re going through a tough time. It’s about being understanding and accepting of yourself, especially when things are hard, such as when you need to forgive yourself or others.
When you have thoughts that make you feel bad about yourself or the situation you’re in, try to challenge them. Instead of being hard on yourself, be kind. Tell yourself it’s normal to feel this way and that you’re trying your best in a tough situation.
Another important part of being kind to yourself is looking after your body and emotions. Spend time doing things that make you feel good, like sleeping enough, eating healthy food, or doing things you enjoy and that help you relax.
Also, be kind to yourself as you go through the process of forgiving. Keep in mind that forgiving is a journey, not just reaching a point, and it’s fine to go slowly. Acknowledge any progress you make, even if it’s little, and give yourself time to deal with the good and bad moments of healing.
9. Release Grudges
Holding onto grudges is like carrying a heavy backpack full of bricks. It makes you feel weighed down and stuck in the past. But here’s the thing: keeping grudges doesn’t help you. It just makes your pain last longer and stops you from moving on.
Okay, it’s time to ease your mind and drop that weight you’ve been carrying. Firstly, realize that holding onto a grudge only hurts you, not the person you’re upset with. By letting go of the grudge, you’re not saying what they did is okay; you’re just deciding to stop letting it bother you and move on from those bad feelings.
One way to release grudges is by practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness means deciding not to seek revenge and instead moving on with a peaceful and kind attitude. It can be tough, but it brings a lot of freedom.
Another good idea is to think about things you’re thankful for and stay positive. Instead of only thinking about the bad parts of a situation, try to find something good or be thankful for something. Doing this can help you stop feeling angry and start seeing things more positively.
10. Choose Peace
Choosing peace is like taking a big breath after a storm. It’s finding calmness and quietness when everything around you is chaotic. Forgiveness isn’t just about forgetting bad feelings or leaving the past behind. It’s about deciding to bring peace and happiness into your life.
Firstly, understand that choosing peace means deciding to take care of yourself on purpose. It’s about putting your own happiness first and not letting bad feelings or events control how you feel.
To find peace, try being mindful and staying focused on what’s happening right now. Don’t worry about things that have already happened or might happen later. Take a moment each day to relax, breathe, and be aware of your surroundings. This can help you feel calm and peaceful, even when things around you are hectic.
Another helpful strategy is to be around things that make you feel happy and positive. Spend time with friends and family who support you, do things that you enjoy and make you feel good, or read books and listen to music that makes you feel uplifted. Surrounding yourself with positive things can make you feel better inside and lift your mood.
It’s really important to practice gratitude and forgiveness as you choose peace. Instead of thinking about bad things that happened before or feeling upset with others, think about the good stuff you have and how much you have. Be thankful for those good things and forgive others for any bad things they did, so you can feel happier and lighter inside.